the traditions of my ethnic group or culture

Last night, while Eric bottled his latest batch of beer, we worked on our foster/adoption training homework. Our general approach is to take turns reading out loud to one another from the workbooks while the other does kitchen tasks: dishes, cooking, the creation of alcoholic beverages.

So last night we got to the section on Culture, Ethnicity, and Heritage. Did you know that Culture, Ethnicity, and Heritage are three completely separate, independently definable concepts?

After offering these definitions, the book asked us, “What is your ethnic background?” Because everything seemed so concrete and straightforward, I found myself really wanting to give the one and only right answer. I agonized briefly, then wrote, “Mennonite, Swiss.”

Next I was asked to describe some “special customs, values, and traditions of your ethnic culture.”

I wrote: “Music-making, simple worship services, non-violence, self-righteousness, oppression of women, cheese dumplings.”

I’m not sure why this section makes me so cranky. They definitely need to talk about ethnicity, culture, and heritage here, because these are some of the big issues for foster and adopted kids. In a lot of ways the fact that this section is even included is revolutionary. Eric and I once watched a documentary by a filmmaker who was a transracial adoptee; his parents are white, he is black. He was a kid in the seventies, and in part of his documentary he interviewed his parents about how they approached the raising of an African-American son. This couple, obviously loving and well-intentioned people, repeated phrases like, “We didn’t care if you were black or brown or purple or green or anything. To us, you were just a child.” In the gentlest way you can imagine, he pressed them on it. “Didn’t you see that I needed to have an identity as an African-American? Do you see why it hurts me when you ignore that?” They smiled at him. “We don’t think about race. The way we see it, people are people, and that’s just the end of that. And whether you’re green or yellow or purple or pink, you’re still our son.” Something like that.

It was heartbreaking to watch. So yes, I am completely in favor of making people think about this, especially clueless white people who have a tendency to be all, “Oh, I don’t think about race! Everyone should think like me and all those race problems would go away! La la la!”

I think the problem I’m struggling with is more mine than the curriculum’s. I immediately rankle when I see a definition of something like “culture” offered as though it’s that obvious. To me, culture is the sort of thing that you explore, not something that you define. I hate when things are oversimplified. This curriculum is always asking us to sum up situations and ideas that are complex and multifaceted and nuanced with leaden, witless questions. “Describe what you are feeling right now in one word. Describe the traditions of your ethnic culture. Describe what a nine-month old baby might feel about being neglected by his drug-addicted mother. Describe how the mother might feel about being unable to care for her baby. Describe how you would feel if you were removed from your home and family against your will. Here are three lines on which to write your answer.”

I can tell that awakening an empathic imagination is one of the primary goals of this training. If you go into the class looking to affirm an idea of yourself as a saintly rescuer of children, it will kick your ass, and probably in the exact way it should be kicked. The intent behind most of these questions is worthy. Certainly the intent behind the “culture/ethnicity/heritage” section is worthy. It upsets me, though, because like so many other instances in this curriculum, it’s asking me to address a complex reality with a one-to-three-line response. In my experience, when you have that little space to say something that should really take pages, you will invariably choose the stupidest and least accurate five or six words with which to do so. It will convey the impression that you are callous, clueless, blunt, rude, or resistant. When in fact you are just a chronic overthinker who is obsessed with words and their meanings.

“Are you sure you really want to put that?” Eric asked, after I read him my list.

I thought about it. Yes, I do. Because a list that includes both “oppression of women” and “cheese dumplings” is as close as I can come to capturing my ethnic background in two lines of prose. And so far, it’s as close as any of my short answers have come to some semblance of truth.